I’m kind of a germaphobe. Not a super crazy one, mind you. Well, on second thought, maybe I am a super crazy one. When anyone in my family gets sick I basically quarantine myself off from all of them. There may or may not have been an incident where my sick daughter came up to me with tears in her eyes sobbing, “Daddy, I don’t feel well. I need a hug,” only to get the response, “Daddy’s hugs cost $5 billion dollars. Go see your mother.” I may or may not be known for carrying Purell in my pocket for immediate emergency hand cleansing after an inordinate amount of hand shaking. And I can neither confirm nor deny that I have been accused of pretending not to see someone just so I can avoid any and all bodily contact.
Which is why I almost straight-up hurled watching Cole on this latest episode of Survivor. The dude was just licking…everything! And I realize that may sound disgusting, but trust me, in this case it was even more disgusting than it sounds. He was licking spoons. He was licking fingers. He was licking jars. There was so much licking going on I half-thought he was merely paying homage to everyone’s favorite Caucasian Canadian reggae artist, because homeboy was all “licky boom boom down” on anything that moved. The Snow comparison actually tracks because with all the secrets Cole has been spilling, he certainly could be referred to as an “Informer.” But then I remembered that Canadians aren’t allowed on Survivor so there goes that theory. (That’s so unfair, eh?)
Seriously, what the hell? We saw Cole basically have mouth sex with a spoon, then put the spoon back in the jar for other people to enjoy his sloppy seconds. I mean, I know dating a virgin can lead to some — um…frustration, we’ll call it — but cheating on Jessica with a spoon? Dude, that’s rough. And now other people are expected to use that spoon? Honestly, this was my worst nightmare. It’s like the world’s most extreme case of double-dipping. (Speaking of which, when will human beings realize the solution to avoid double-dipping is to simply break the chip in half before dipping. That way you can dip each side of the chip once and yet still get two dips per chip? When will our national nightmare end?)
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